Four Ludicrous Relationship Rules!

There are four secret relationship rules that I have discovered over the course of many years. Yet, no one talks about these all important measures that must be taken between you and your partner, so you won’t have heard them before.

What qualifies me to share this know-how? For starters, I’ve been married three times. I have this shit down! Hahaha! Admittedly the first two didn’t go so well but that is probably because I didn’t know about these rules at the time (and both my exes were assholes- but that’s a blog for another day).

While I am being a tad silly here, these are things that my husband and I do together that have made us closer. My last post was brutally honest about some of the hardships I’ve faced in life. Today I thought I would get real with some of the awesome/dorky things in my life.

OK then, let’s do this!

The Relationship Rules:


The rule of LAAAAAAAA is specifically for singing. Let’s say you are my significant other and I start singing, “Tara! You are my honey-punkin-pie! I’d like to kiss you with my eye….s closed!”


You might think, “Wow! That’s the worst song ever, but I don’t want to hurt her feelings. How do I make her stop?”

Simple! You sing, “LAAAAAAAA!” which signals that the song currently being sung is now over. You can LAAAAAAAA pretty much any singing or humming that your honey does. I’ve even started doing it when my husband is talking and I’m bored of listening to him.

  1. The Vampire Pact!

This is a pretty important pact and 99% of couples haven’t even thought about it! I mean, we make wills, we talk about what we want to have happen at our funerals, we know who we do and don’t want to see at the holidays. But what about a situation where one or the other of you is suddenly among the undead? That’s some serious shit.

Only Lovers Left Alive

Here is how our Vampire Pact works. If he becomes a vampire he is not allowed to kill me. I have made my wishes known that I am game for living forever as a sexy beast of the night. I do have a few addendums, however. Such as, if turning me automatically makes me skinny and hot then do it right away. If that is not the case then he has to give me time to get into my best eternal shape before he can bite me!

He’s not so picky (or out of shape) so he says that if I become a biter then I should just turn him into a god of the night ASAP!

I shouldn’t even have to point this out, but you should also have a Werewolf Pact and a Zombie Pact. Zombies seem particularly relevant right now.

Do you know what your loved one wants in this instance? Is your mind blown that you haven’t even talked about this yet?

  1. Tuckering (It’s serious business)

Now should we be blessed with children this may change, but for now it’s a battle of the wits to see who has to tuck the other into bed at night.

To qualify for a tuckering you must have already brushed your teeth, washed your face, have a glass of water by your bedside, and finally, you must be in your PJ’s.


I admit to taking “bathroom breaks” during commercials when we watch TV so that I can brush my teeth etc. or sneak some water onto my nightstand. Then once our day has ended and we admit that it’s time for bed it’s an all out race to see who can make it to the bedroom, get into their jammies, land on the bed on their back and shout, “First!”

I have a tendency to shout “First!” even if I’m not in the bedroom yet. So far this has worked because my husband is a sucker, err, I mean a romantic. Ahem.

The person being tuckered can decide if they want each blanket pulled up one at a time or all at once etc. I enjoy adding demands such as first the sheet, then a kiss on my lips (and my nose…chin…forehead…both cheeks), then the next blanket and so on.

It’s a fun way to go to sleep and has the potential to lead to a lack of sleep ;-).

  1. Hugging About It!

Sometimes my significant other can cause a significant pain in my ass and vice versa. I don’t want you to think that just because we have such awesome rules that we never disagree or get upset with each other. We’re still human (for now).

Have you ever said sorry because you felt like you were supposed to or forgave an offense for the same reason? I think it’s OK, to be honest with yourself and say, “Self, I’m still upset.” When either my partner or I am ready to make up we ask, “Can we hug about it?”

Let’s hug it out, baby!

The Hugging Rules states that you may not hug about it unless you are ready to make up. If you still need time to sulk, think, forgive, etc. then you shouldn’t hug it out yet. This way when the cuddling comes along it feels so much better! You know that this embrace means that all is well again.

So those are my four relationship rules. Like me, they are meant to be silly and fun. I really want to get a sign made with our “rules” on it, you know like the ones you see in stores “say sorry, use the force, etc. etc.” Do you have any tips to share that work for you?  I would love to hear what you think and add to my knowledge from your comments!



  1. Lisa said:

    I love this, Amy! These “rules” are completely you! I can see you complying fully to each and every one. I can picture you engaged.

    The one that caused me to laugh out loud, though, was being tuckered in. The scenario you painted of the actual”tucking” was beautiful, sweet and even romantic. But I actually can see and hear you in my mind screaming “FIRST” as you run to the bedroom, not after you were ready for bed! I mean, if the rule is whoever yells first, first, wins, there is no questioning your logic. Another case of using common sense and your natural competitiveness to get the job done! Very smart, too.

    I don’t have a spouse but I do have a daughter, and I love her completely. And, I see your point. A little playfulness, humor,tenderness and forgiveness go a long way in making any relationship better.

    And Stasia and I will definitely “hug about it”. We often do and my words to Stasia after a disagreement or life lesson are “the love is always there.” “The love will never go away.” And I hold her.

    But now I will ask her first, are you ready to hug about it? I like the mutuality you pointed out. I love to hug, but I hate it when I’m afraid or even angry or sad or just not ready. Waiting until we are both ready makes perfect sense… no, common sense.

    Loving you, Amy, through everything life throws!
    Thank you for these verbal jems of wisdom.


    April 17, 2017
    • Amy Laurel said:

      Ooh!! “the love is always there. The love will never go away.” That is beautiful! I might just need to put that on my wall of quotes!!

      Haha, and you totally have me pegged! I sometimes just shout “First!” randomly throughout the day, lol. Fun is just common sense!!

      Thanks so much for reading, Lisa!!

      April 17, 2017
  2. Tara said:

    Oh, there are so many rules I could add, Bc I am clearly also a marriage expert …. but the best one my parents taught me applies not just to a marriage but any important relationship : never go to bed angry. Resolve and forgive …. show kindness and understanding to one another… but most of all- show humility and the ability to admit when you are wrong . They’ve been married 40 years …. they must be doing something right !

    April 17, 2017
    • Amy Laurel said:

      I love your parents!! They are an amazing example of a great couple. I still say we need to have them over for movie night sometime! Thanks for reading, Tara!

      April 17, 2017

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