Scream. Cry. But Don’t Give Up!


There is a great quote, though I’m not sure who coined it:

“You’re allowed to scream, you’re allowed to cry, but do not give up.”

This has been my mantra of late. As you may know, I broke my elbow on the 5th and in doing so sprained and damaged a lot of my body. A few days later I had some sort of reaction to my fertility injections and had a tremendous amount of swelling in my legs. So much so that my weight jumped to 257 pounds!! I couldn’t walk and had to go to the Emergency Room.

My husband was out of town and I don’t know a lot of people locally. Also, I have a hard time asking for help. Despite that, I was able to get a ride from a friend and neighbor who dropped me off at the hospital. They ran all manner of tests and when they determined I wasn’t dying put me on some diuretics and sent me home.

The swelling didn’t go down very much and so my fertility clinic, out of fear for my safety, canceled the cycle I was in. Meaning no more injections, and although I was only two weeks away from an egg retrieval and the answer to whether or not I have any good eggs left, I was done for the month. I can’t express how heart-rending and stress inducing this was for me.

What’s more, when I finally did follow up with my doctor she told me that I was to stay in bed with my feet elevated for a few more weeks. So now, I couldn’t use my left arm at all, my right wrist was sprained, and I couldn’t use my legs for much, except carefully walking to the bathroom or the kitchen.

I was fortunate to have two very amazing friends who came to see me almost daily and took care of me. Did I mention my husband was in D.C. for a month? With my friends help, great doctors, and some medications, my water retention has gone down a lot. In just a few weeks it’s lowered to 246 pounds (still crazy high!) and I am able to walk and to sit up. My elbow, though still sore, has healed really well. I have even started swimming this last week to try to safely get my body moving and work out these stiff joints.

I have to be on diuretics for another week minimum. I follow up with my doctor today.  Because of this, I am not able to start a new fertility attempt this month. I’m just starting to be able to type again, but not for long periods of time. I’m really worried about getting back on track with my novel. I’m worried that I won’t even find out if I can get pregnant for another few months. All these medications have me in an emotionally fragile state, and of course, the circumstances are a hardship of their own.

The cherry on top is that we need to change my mood stabilizing meds because they aren’t working. So I’m going down on my main staples and adding in new drugs that won’t kick in for a few weeks. This has me battling suicidal ideation, rage, and strong urges for self-harm. I’m even starting to pull away from those close to me–I’m getting by though, by just doing the best I can in this situation.

Me on the inside. Battling the rage and darkness like a terrified child warrior.

I know I’m pretty open on here but there are other emotional lynchings I’m taking that I can’t write about without trespassing on other people’s privacy.

That said, I’ve been trying to interact on Twitter a little more this last week. As I mentioned, I’m swimming. I’m getting my hair done on Wednesday to pamper myself a little (trying out a fire engine red this time!). Though my therapist is on vacation for the next few weeks, my supportive and loving husband is home now.  So a part of my brain knows that “this too shall pass”…but it’s hard to remember that in each passing moment.

So, sometimes I find myself crying. Sometimes I literally find myself screaming. But so far I’m fighting hard not to give up.

Thanks for reading. I would, as always, love to hear from you in the comments section. Have a fantastic week! I hope I can be a bit more cheerful next week. But sometimes it just is what it is.

10 Comments

  1. D. M. Newlun said:

    You did a wonderful job with this post. I can identify with so much of what you wrote. *hugs* I’m sorry life has given you so much right now. You’re such an amazing person. Please remember that because depression lies.

    June 20, 2017
    Reply
    • Amy Laurel said:

      You are always so supportive of me! I really appreciate that and I love the way you worded that depression lies! It absolutely does! Thanks again!

      June 20, 2017
      Reply
  2. Pamela said:

    So beautifully written and expressed. Being able to acknowledge your feelings, assess how they are effecting you and communicate them to others is so healthy. Remember life is a pendulum. However far it swings in the sucky direction it must also swing in the divinely terrific.

    Keep “feeling your feelungs”. Love you bunches!

    June 19, 2017
    Reply
    • Amy Laurel said:

      Thanks, Pam!! It’s like my locust is totally out of control lately!! Love you!!

      June 19, 2017
      Reply
  3. Sae Sae Norris said:

    It’s been a hell of day at sea, sir!

    Sis, you’ve had such a rough patch lately and I know you’ve still got a ways to go before you’re out of the weeds. You’ve got this. Ride the clock and do what you can, when you can. We Norrises suck at handling limits, but you’ve got support.

    June 19, 2017
    Reply
    • Amy Laurel said:

      Thanks, Sae Sae! We are an impatient lot lol. Always glad that you have my back!! I love you!!

      June 19, 2017
      Reply
  4. Kathie Fong Yoneda said:

    Glad that Your hubby is back so,you won’t be alone. I cannot I,ago every how you must have felt the last few weeks, but I am thankful that you did get assistance from your neighbors & your doctors. Frankly, it s healthy to rage once in awhile…and doing it in this blog helps us to better understand what you are going through & hopefully helps you to destress!

    Sending you more,tons of cyber hugs & kisses!!! xoxo kathie

    June 19, 2017
    Reply
    • Amy Laurel said:

      Thanks, Kathie! You have always had my back and your support means the world to me! Hugs accepted!!

      xoxo

      June 19, 2017
      Reply
  5. Tiffany said:

    I love you so so much! This too shall pass, but that doesn’t mean it’s not going to be hard! Call me or any others that have offered to help be part of your support system! We all do love you!

    June 19, 2017
    Reply
    • Amy Laurel said:

      Thanks, Tippy Toes! I will try to reach out this week! You are amazing! Truly!!

      June 19, 2017
      Reply

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