A Year Full of Fail

I was really jazzed for 2017! My birthday is January 7th and I was going to be 42. If you’ve read The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, then you know that 42 is the answer to life, the universe, and everything! I had a small party for myself. I ordered a theme cake. We watched The Hitchhiker’s Guide movie. I had a snazzy hat! I was certain that this would be my year!

Boy, was I wrong! If you’ve been following my blog you will know that I have been sick or injured most of the year, my fertility treatments didn’t work, I gained a ton of weight, and now have been trying medical marijuana to help with my PTSD. The truth is, I don’t think it’s helping at all. I don’t see any medications I can replace with it. Then, of course, there is the price. Medical marijuana is crazy expensive. I think that even if I did replace my medications with it I would go broke. I gave it two months and feel like it’s just not for me.

Then a week or so ago, I came down with a severe sinus/ear infection. This has affected my equilibrium and made me so dizzy I can barely get out of bed. I participated in NaNoWriMo this year (National Novel Writing Month) and I haven’t been able to type more than 5,000 words. The goal is to get to 50,000. I even accidentally deleted 3,000 of the words I did write.

Our 2004 Xmas Ornament

My husband and I get an ornament to commemorate each year we’ve been together and this is the first year that I am genuinely struggling with something to want to remember. I’m really disappointed. I had exciting plans that were thwarted regularly by events out of my control. It’s really impacted my writing and my mood.

I’m worried that I have Benign Positional Vertigo again. I had it a few years ago. At first, I thought it was just a bad ear infection but it turned out to be BPV. The problem with BPV is that it doesn’t just go away on its own, you have to do vestibular therapy. This could mean that all of December I am still dizzy and unable to exercise, write, do vlogs (I  had planned to do a vlog this week actually), or even just clean the house, or hang out with friends. I’m feeling really lonely and disheartened. It even makes me dizzy to talk on the phone.

I’m sorry that today’s post is such a downer, but I wanted to be real with you. The best part of this year was easily winning the partial scholarship to a writer’s retreat in France next April. While I am on target to make my writing deadlines for that event I would like to be much much further than I am.

But sometimes you just are where you are. And this is my reality at the moment. I will call the doctor as soon as they open on Monday (the day you are probably reading this) and get in as soon as I can to see if I have BPV. The upside is that at least I know about vestibular therapy and so if that is what I need I can do a lot of it from home.

Last year at this time I had lost a lot of weight, done crazy amounts of writing, won the partial scholarship, rebooted my blog. I had everything going the way I wanted.  But life throws us curveballs. I think the important thing is to not let myself get overly depressed about all my backward movement. I need to keep my eye on the prize and do what I can to get better and then go from there. I have had worse years and regrouped so I know I can do it. I just have to get to a place where I have more control over what’s going on. I’m not entirely sure how to do that but I’m not letting myself give up either.

So this year was a dud, but that doesn’t mean that 2018 can’t have good things in store for me. Hell, December of this year could have good things in store for me!

Thanks for listening to this rant. I’m discouraged and sick but I’m still in the game. See you next Monday! Hopefully, this dizzy feeling will be gone by then! Thanks again for reading!

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  1. Pamels said:

    Oh honey I feel you. This was going to be my year too. We sold our house, moved to New Orleans. New year, new me. Instead I hit speed bump after speed bump and ended up in an Intensive Outpatient Program for my PTSD. The beauty of that was I Finally made the break through that I hadn’t made before. Sometimes life’s speed bumps are just the final preparation for the greatness that is coming. Take care of you and trust the process. Sending you light and love. 💜

    November 27, 2017

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