Don’t Have Far To Go Not Far To Fall


…by Judith Edelman — It’s a beautiful and sad song. I wish I could get it to cooperate and play for you, but that’s a lost cause at the moment so let’s just talk.

I have this deeply embedded belief that nothing good can ever happen to or last long for me. It’s based on a lifetime of experience. That said, I think this is true of all of us. The good doesn’t last forever and (I’m hesitant to say it) neither does the bad. It certainly is easier to focus on the good things we’ve missed out on or lost from our lives. People, opportunities, monetary goods. So you can imagine that the first time I heard this song it resonated with me deep in my heart:

I’m gonna lay low, stay very still

When the blows come, as they always will

They won’t hurt so much, I won’t bleed at all

I won’t have far to go not far to fall

I won’t have far to go not far to fall

Not far to fall. That’s how I feel each time. That I was already so low that the crash didn’t do much damage. But I think we all know that’s not exactly true.  I think each time I advance in life I have farther to fall. More to lose. More that I love evaporating before me. No hope of stopping it.

There’s a strange calm after every storm

On a sea of tears drifting tired and warn

If the tears rain salt on each bitter squall

They won’t have far to go not far to fall

They won’t have far to go not far to fall

There is a strange calm after the storm. That moment when you’ve run out of tears and can can just sit like a doll waiting for someone to move you. Somehow everything hurts and simultaneously you feel nothing. It’s like you’ve just broken. You need help, which always comes faster when asked for.

Won’t you stay with me while I sleep my friend?

I am not alright. Let’s not pretend

But each ask for the day, I’m so tired that’s all

I don’t have far to go not far to fall

I don’t have far to go not far to fall

Please stay with me, while I sleep, my friend. I am not alright. Time to stop pretending.

I am not alright. I’m dealing with so much drama that I am unable to even share with you. I want to reach out to people but I can’t just talk to anyone about this madness.  I have slowly been removing names from my Favorites in my phone. Not removing people from my phone, just the favorites page. You see, when I get low, I need someone to sit with me. Either while I wait for my anxiety meds to kick in or until I can just calm down or cheer up. But I’m starting to wear people down.

Which I totally understand! If I can’t hold all of my burdens I shouldn’t expect just one person to. Some are more burnt out than others. These are the ones I take off my list of people to call in a crisis. Then of course there are the people who want to be there for me very much but work and have other commitments, they can’t just sit by the phone waiting for me to have a meltdown.

I called the suicide hotline the other day, because I didn’t have any one at all to call in that moment while I waited for my Xanax to kick in. The woman was very helpful. I was super nervous to talk about my personal shit with a stranger, but honestly she was great. She even gave me some resources in my area to use.

I’m gonna lay low, stay very still

When the blows come, as they always will

I won’t feel them land, I will be so small

They won’t have far to go, not far to fall

They won’t have far to go, not far to fall

Don’t have far to go, not far to fall

I don’t have far to go not far to fall

Falling Apart by WladoTheAlphaChicken Deviant Art

I guess whether I have far to fall or a short drop the point is that suddenly losing altitude sucks. I’m sad. I’m angry. I don’t know how to move on but I keep putting one foot in front of the other. I hurt and I know I’m not alone. I try to respect the space of friends that I know are in trauma. But I also try to give back when I can and be an ear for someone else to bend.

I will stay with you, while you sleep my friend. We are not alright. Let’s not pretend. But each ask for the day, we’re so tired that’s all. Feel free to come sit with me in the comments section. Let’s keep one another company as we try to navigate the beautiful horror known as life.


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2 Comments

  1. Stephanie Norris said:

    This is beautiful and sad. Unfortunately, I think there are too many of us can relate to this. I am glad you have resources and people you can reach out to. It makes a difference when we have people to lean on in hard times. Sending virtual hugs. Hang in there!

    March 19, 2018
    Reply

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