France was truly magnificent. But eventually, you have to get back to your “normal” life and deal with the day to day shit that comes up. I have a laundry list of shit that I’ve been dealing with since I got home two weeks ago.
I knew I would be coming home to a divorce. This is my third one, you start to see the writing on the wall. My last two left me in emotional ruins. I didn’t eat. I didn’t leave the house. If it were not for two very dear friends I may have just starved to death after my last divorce.
This is different in so many ways. First of all, it’s the longest I’ve been married. Thirteen years. We aren’t fighting just ending things. Well, …there’s more to that but maybe another day. And then I went to France and had this life-altering experience and became more focused on my writing than ever before.
Really the biggest difference this time is that I don’t want to crumble to pieces. I don’t have time. I have writing to do. I have a career to foster. I don’t have time to feel sorry for myself constantly. Don’t get me wrong, I feel the emotions, I just don’t allow them to overwhelm me. Not for long at any rate.
I have a confession. I’m really torn about how much to share. I desperately want to confide in all of you so that you can see what I’m dealing with and support me through it. I also don’t want the inevitable drama that will find me if I do so.
So here is what I will say: I had to get my BFF tattoo covered up because I can’t look at it without dying inside. I’m going to get a tattoo I got about my husband covered up. The two are related. I had to get an attorney and spill my life to a stranger (it wasn’t so bad, he is awesome). I’ve decided to move back to Utah because I have a lot of friends and family there. I hate Utah. Really it’s not the state, it’s the crazy Mormon’s. Some are totally awesome people but it’s just a weird place to live and I’m not looking forward to it. But I can’t afford to stay in Chicago. I’ve found a place to rent until I can buy a home. I’ve got movers lined up waiting for a date to move me. I’m just waiting this week to see when my attorney can set me free.
On the plus side (?) I can finally have my name removed from the records of the Mormon church. I’ve already sent in my paperwork. I was keeping the membership for my husband but…
Then my Jeep died on Friday. While I have a much newer and more reliable car for the drive from Illinois to Utah it was expensive.
As you can see I’m itching to leave. I don’t belong here in this house anymore. My husband and I are acting like everything is cool because neither of us wants drama. And at heart, he’s a wonderful person. I don’t see the value in letting this last straw that broke our marriage make me resent him when he spent over a decade caring for me and being my best friend.
I know I’m going to get shit for how much I’ve shared in this post, but you know what? It’s my blog. It’s my life. And to be totally honest I have more readers when I get real with you all and open up my veins to let you see what’s going on inside me.
I just wish the whole divorce and move were over with so I could completely move forward. I appreciate those of you who read this whole thing. It’s not easy to just share this stuff, but I think it makes me stronger inside and that can’t be a bad thing, right?