Verbally Opening My Veins.

France was truly magnificent. But eventually, you have to get back to your “normal” life and deal with the day to day shit that comes up. I have a laundry list of shit that I’ve been dealing with since I got home two weeks ago.

I knew I would be coming home to a divorce. This is my third one, you start to see the writing on the wall. My last two left me in emotional ruins. I didn’t eat. I didn’t leave the house. If it were not for two very dear friends I may have just starved to death after my last divorce.

This is different in so many ways. First of all, it’s the longest I’ve been married. Thirteen years. We aren’t fighting just ending things. Well, …there’s more to that but maybe another day. And then I went to France and had this life-altering experience and became more focused on my writing than ever before.

Really the biggest difference this time is that I don’t want to crumble to pieces. I don’t have time. I have writing to do. I have a career to foster. I don’t have time to feel sorry for myself constantly. Don’t get me wrong, I feel the emotions, I just don’t allow them to overwhelm me. Not for long at any rate.

I have a confession. I’m really torn about how much to share. I desperately want to confide in all of you so that you can see what I’m dealing with and support me through it. I also don’t want the inevitable drama that will find me if I do so.

So here is what I will say: I had to get my BFF tattoo covered up because I can’t look at it without dying inside.  I’m going to get a tattoo I got about my husband covered up. The two are related. I had to get an attorney and spill my life to a stranger (it wasn’t so bad, he is awesome). I’ve decided to move back to Utah because I have a lot of friends and family there. I hate Utah. Really it’s not the state, it’s the crazy Mormon’s. Some are totally awesome people but it’s just a weird place to live and I’m not looking forward to it. But I can’t afford to stay in Chicago. I’ve found a place to rent until I can buy a home. I’ve got movers lined up waiting for a date to move me. I’m just waiting this week to see when my attorney can set me free.

I love my in-laws and I am losing them in the divorce too. That’s a pain that is hard to cope with.

On the plus side (?) I can finally have my name removed from the records of the Mormon church. I’ve already sent in my paperwork.  I was keeping the membership for my husband but…

Then my Jeep died on Friday. While I have a much newer and more reliable car for the drive from Illinois to Utah it was expensive.

As you can see I’m itching to leave. I don’t belong here in this house anymore. My husband and I are acting like everything is cool because neither of us wants drama. And at heart, he’s a wonderful person. I don’t see the value in letting this last straw that broke our marriage make me resent him when he spent over a decade caring for me and being my best friend.

So ya. I’m a hot mess. But I’m not quitting or giving up this time. I deserve some success, some happiness, and Goddamnit some good in my life.

I know I’m going to get shit for how much I’ve shared in this post, but you know what? It’s my blog. It’s my life. And to be totally honest I have more readers when I get real with you all and open up my veins to let you see what’s going on inside me.

I just wish the whole divorce and move were over with so I could completely move forward. I appreciate those of you who read this whole thing. It’s not easy to just share this stuff, but I think it makes me stronger inside and that can’t be a bad thing, right?


  <——If you enjoyed that please give me a like and comment below!

21 Comments

  1. Betty Sullivan said:

    I’m sorry you have this pain. As in my third marriage, I can grasp how this makes you feel. Time helps. Thanks for being authentic. You’re brave.im rooting for you.

    May 17, 2018
    Reply
    • Amy Laurel said:

      Thanks, Betty! You are so kind! Thanks for being in my corner! x

      May 17, 2018
      Reply
  2. Lainey said:

    Amy. I don’t think you realise how much of an inspiration you are. Blogging about the good and the bad makes many people see how strong you are. Blogging about this encourages people in the same place as you. Makes them see they are not alone. And surviving and thriving – which you will, I have no doubt – will inspire. Sending big hugs from someone who you inspire daily. xx

    May 15, 2018
    Reply
    • Amy Laurel said:

      OMG. Thanks, Lainey! I love that we are friends! I wish I could have seen you when I was in France. Next time!
      Seriously, thank you for your kind words!
      xo

      May 15, 2018
      Reply
  3. Michelle said:

    Amy, only you can decide how much to share or not. But know that regardless, we are here, supporting you, sending positive thoughts and virtual hugs your way. The world needs your writing, whatever story or piece that you feel comfortable sharing at this time or any other time for that matter.

    May 14, 2018
    Reply
    • Amy Laurel said:

      You are absolutely right! Thank you for the support. I wasn’t expecting so many people to reach out and it’s really touched my heart. Thank you again! ❤

      May 14, 2018
      Reply
  4. Martha Wingate said:

    Amy, so sorry! I feel really proud of you to read the kind of strength and direction you’re keeping as your face off with such a big challenge. I can see your growth— keep moving onward and upward— you’ve got this!

    May 14, 2018
    Reply
    • Amy Laurel said:

      Thank you, Martha!!!! I wouldn’t have survived last time without your love and support! I’m honored that you read my blog I had no idea! Love and hugs to your whole family. And you can tell your husband I still have the pig 😀!

      May 14, 2018
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  5. Martha said:

    Amy, I’m so sorry you are going through such a mess in your life right now. I can honestly say I feel your pain. Someone once told me that it’s the really low points in your life that make you truly appreciate the good times. Since life never remains the same, and you are now hitting bottom, hopefully you will soon start to realize you have nowhere to go but up, and what a great trip it can be! Things may seem like they will never get better now, but I promise you if you hang in there long enough you won’t regret it!!! Much love – Martha

    May 14, 2018
    Reply
    • Claire Elizabeth Terry said:

      Is this the lovely Martha Manuel who came to Rocaberti last October?! Wise and very, very true words!

      May 14, 2018
      Reply
      • Martha said:

        Claire, You are such a sweetheart! Yes, it’s me. Getting ready for foot surgery. It was originally scheduled for two weeks ago, but they had to delay it when they discovered I had TMJ and could hardly open my mouth wide enough to eat. For me, that was the pits! 🙂 My son had the tumor removed off his brain, went through radiation and is now starting chemo.
        When it rains it pours. Don’t know what I ‘d do if I went through a whole year with nothing happening. Still we are all alive and I am a firm believer that as long as you are still breathing there are always great possibilities waiting to be discovered. Martha

        May 14, 2018
        Reply
        • Claire Elizabeth Terry said:

          Oh my goodness, Martha, I’m so sorry to hear about the TMJ, but glad that they can finally operate – sending you positive energy and healing vibes for all to go well! And SO happy to hear about your son!!!
          I absolutely love what you say about “as long as we’re still breathing, there are always great possibilities waiting to be discovered” – it’s so true (though often need to be reminded of this myself) and hope Amy, honey, you will take heart and KNOW that great, great things await: KEEP WRITING!!! xo

          May 14, 2018
          Reply
    • Amy Laurel said:

      What a wonderful response to my blog! Thank you so much for reading and thank you so much for commenting. I’ve read some more of your and Claire’s conversation and see that you certainly do know what it means to go through some trials! So best of luck to you in life as well! It’s very wonderful to meet you! xo

      May 14, 2018
      Reply
  6. Pamela said:

    Amy – get healthy, be happy. Do you and let the rest of the world adjust around it. And yes, keep writing and embrace the energy you get from helping others through your writing and kindness. Xo

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    May 14, 2018
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    • Amy Laurel said:

      Pamela,
      You are so wise and kind. Thank you for your words and for reading my blog! You are a truly inspiring and impressive woman!
      xo

      May 14, 2018
      Reply
  7. Claire Elizabeth Terry said:

    I also agree with David! So brave and honest and *necessary* of you to write this, Amy, because… why? Because your honesty and insight into your own relationships helps us ALL (I think you may have a self-help book (or two) in there!)

    Sending you love and a huge hug from across the Atlantic… know that you are loved and supported over here, too,
    Claire xo

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    May 14, 2018
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    • Amy Laurel said:

      I really needed to hear that, Claire! Thank you so much for reading and commenting! I’m going to think out that self help book.
      xoxo

      May 14, 2018
      Reply
  8. Kathie Fong Yoneda said:

    Agree with David!

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    May 14, 2018
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    • Amy Laurel said:

      I wish I could just hug you!!
      xoxo

      May 14, 2018
      Reply
  9. David Santo said:

    The world becomes more beautiful with your writing in it. Keep going 😎

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    May 14, 2018
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    • Amy Laurel said:

      David,
      What a kind and wonderful thing to say! Thank you so much! I will keep it going!! x

      May 14, 2018
      Reply

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