My Message To The Universe

**TRIGGER WARNING** I discuss suicidal thoughts in this article.

I may have mentioned I met with a new therapist a couple weeks ago. It was not awesome. We talked for two hours and I spilled all the sickening details of my life (well, the highlights). I opened up to her and let all that negative energy spill out. The trouble with this is that it doesn’t spill out on the floor and someone shouts, “Cleanup on aisle five!” and that’s that. No this is the kind of mess that was contained in a box inside your soul. Now you’ve upended the box and a great therapist knows that before you leave they need to help you get the contents back in the box. This was not a great therapist.

I drove home with PTSD in my head, my hair, all over my clothes, it darkened my aura so much that it was hard to see life clearly.

The next week I met with a psychiatrist and went through a similar routine, though not as rigorous. I asked him to call Dr. H (he’s been working with me in Chicago for almost a decade) and get a more personal medical history than just the paperwork. I kid you not his exact words were, “Well, it doesn’t matter what he says, I’m not going to treat you any differently.” That’s a huge ass red flag. He outright told me that regardless of my medical and mental history he was just going to treat me the way he thought he should, based on the fact that I have PTSD, DID, Depression, and Anxiety.

I think I have said this before but remember your doctors work for you. If it’s not a fit move on!

So I drove home in an even darker place feeling all the pain of my past and the pain of my current situation (betrayal of best friend and husband followed by divorce etc.)

I’m still in touch with my therapist Eliza in Chicago. However, she is on a three-week vacation because her daughter just had a baby. She has been great about returning my calls when she can but it’s not enough.

When any part of my mental illness starts to take over it always starts with the same song. Kill me. Well, I decided a long time ago that my brain could scream that at me and I wasn’t going to do it! So please know that while I’m miserable I’m safe. This mindset doesn’t make the song any less compelling and it usually spirals into suicidal ideation. Where you go from thinking about death to thinking about how to accomplish it.

This is a battle that in many ways I have grown accustomed to. I have a routine. I take two Xanax, call someone to come sit with me (or just talk on the phone), and after 30-45 minutes I fall asleep and wake up feeling much better. I’ve learned a lot of coping strategies in therapy both inpatient and outpatient.

Enter my biggest problem at the moment. I have exactly two people that I can call. Both work full time and are very busy. So even though I know they would want me to call them guilt sets in. I don’t want to upset them. I don’t want to be a nuisance. I don’t want to call so often they stop talking to me as well.

So at three am the other night I was so triggered that I printed out a legal last will and testament and completed it. Then I made a video saying goodbye. This is the closest I have come since I was a teenager to giving in to the song. The lullaby that promises the pain will stop and I will be at rest. But here’s the thing. What if the song is just a song? What if it’s an outright lie? I know I can’t trust it. So I shut off my computer and went upstairs and took the correct amount of Xanax and talked to my Amazon Alexa until I fell asleep.

The next day I rallied. I don’t want to die! I want to be a published author! I want to write things that help others overcome the mental health issues they struggle with, I would even like to be a speaker on the topic. There is a life that I want to have and dammit I am going to have it! I realize that I most likely won’t get into a new therapist on a regular basis for several months but I’m outsourcing! I’m taking an online course through Smart Bitch Media. I took out a membership at Amy’s Martial Arts (where I used to go) and tonight I went to class for the first time! I got that membership almost four months ago and have not been able to make myself go. I’m not giving up! I’m stepping up! It’s going to be hard and I’m white-knuckling it but I’m not going anywhere but up in life! So bring it at me universe! I will always get back up!


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9 Comments

  1. Brenda Norris said:

    Amy – That was beautifully said and very sad and then back to beautiful again. It is so sad to see you in such anguish, but I know you are strong enough and capable enough to live a wonderful life and do all you want to do. Love, Mom

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    October 9, 2018
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  2. Quetta Carpenter said:

    You are so strong and you’re gonna be everything you hope to be because you already are. Great piece.

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    October 9, 2018
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    • Amy Laurel said:

      Thanks, Quetta!

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      October 9, 2018
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  3. Lainey said:

    I wish I lived near, you could ring me anytime. And though it’s not the same – a DM on Twitter or FB would get answered ASAP. Hugs to one of my favourite people x

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    October 9, 2018
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    • Amy Laurel said:

      Hugs right back to you!! You are always so supportive!!

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      October 9, 2018
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  4. Lisa said:

    You speak so truthfully, Amy. This is an excellent and very helpful blog because you take the risk to speak honestly. The journey is so hard and I’m so glad you’re back in it and fighting against that lullaby. I wish there were headphones we could simply take off when that seems to be the only station we can tune in to. What a truthful way to describe the voice of mental fatigue!
    I would very much like to be on your “list” of possible support people. I could definitely be on the phone with you until the medication starts to work. I hear your determination AND I hear how hard it is . Please consider me a person who wants you to survive and who is willing to help. You have helped me in so many ways. I don’t have words that would truly let you know how much I admire your honest vulnerability.
    Love you…still and always,
    Lisa

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    October 9, 2018
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    • Amy Laurel said:

      Consider yourself added to the list! And back at you if you ever need an ear to bend! Love you! It’s common sense!

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      October 9, 2018
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  5. Christopher Mahan said:

    i read it. you’re not alone. you can do this. one step at a time. if martial arts isn’t the thing, then something else.

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    October 9, 2018
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    • Amy Laurel said:

      Thanks for your support Chris! It means the world!

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      October 9, 2018
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