I’m having a panic attack right now, and here is why. My bestie invited me to go up the canyon with some friends but after thinking about it I realized that I really needed to write my blog post.
How is that worthy of a panic attack you ask? The truth is I have no freaking idea! I just know that I suddenly feel scared to write anything (not scared that it will suck just scared to do it), I also have this anchor of guilt over my head as if going up the canyon was my friends dying wish and I said no.
This is not a new experience for me. My stomach is in knots, I can feel the tears forming in my eyes, my hands are literally shaking, and I have surges of adrenaline running through my body like they are being chased by hell hounds.
Very often when I want to do something with someone I begin to feel this way. I also struggle with these feelings when I do any kind of writing, housework, you name it.
I told myself that when I got divorced this time I wasn’t going to be a messy heap of sobbing anxiety-ridden pink hair on the floor. Some things are easier said than done. However, despite all these clashing feelings here I am writing my damn blog post. Because while all of the shit that has happened to me in my life is true, and all of the conflicted feelings about roughly everything are true.
You know what else is true? I’m hard to break. I’m a fucking diamond!
I have no idea how long it will take me to overcome these emotions that kidnap me on a regular basis. But I’m a fighter and I have things in this life that different parts of me don’t want to do but that I am going to do!
I have tripped, fallen in pits, been caught in nets, tied up, tortured, and worse. None of it has stopped me and nothing is ever going to. I may slow to catch my breath but I’m not quitting.
I am saying all of this because in part I need to hear it, but also because I know there are some of you out there reading this who need to hear it. If you aren’t dead the game isn’t over. If you feel dead the game gives you an extra life. We can’t do these things entirely on our own of course, that is why there are NPCs (Non-Player Characters) which we can interact with. Therapists, Psychiatrists, and more. The resources are there for the taking. Come and be diamonds with me! We’ve got this game!!
I have some new stuff coming up soon that I have been working on regarding mental health. Stay tuned!