I’ve been having a particularly brutal week. I’ve dissociated a lot, had a ton of anxiety, and even pretty severe depression. I was really beginning to feel like I had totally unraveled. Then, last night, it hit me. My new psychiatrist has taken me off of about half my medications and this is my body and chemistry adjusting. I’m not losing my grip I’m just in need of re calibrating my medication.
I called my Psychiatrist’s office but they were closed and don’t have an on call doctor. How can you work with mentally ill people and NOT have an on call doctor?
This leaves me with a few options. One, I can just start taking some of my old medication that I have left over until Monday. This is a terrible idea even if it seems like a good solution in a pinch. The reason being that my body has already started to drastically adjust and going back to some of the meds in different doses could throw me off even more. Self medicating is never really the answer. It’s dangerous. There is a reason we get psych meds from a specialist.
So next up is option two. I can just do what I’ve been doing all week. Try my hardest to get stuff done and struggle through it. I am actually a bit proud of how much I have gotten done this week despite my emotional state. Normally, I wouldn’t even be able to get out of bed let alone achieve what I have this week. So, this seems like a good option on the surface but when we look deeper it doesn’t hold up.
If I continue to deteriorate over the weekend, I may become dangerous to myself. I might want to self harm or worse. This is why it is so important to find a doctor that is on call. Both mental illness and medications should be monitored closely. I’m going to have to make a game plan with my shrink when I talk to her next or I may need to find another provider, one that makes me feel safer.
This brings me to option three. I am allowed to take two milligrams of Xanax a day. Because I have gone off of all my other similar medications I am not sleeping, so I have been taking the Xanax only at night. I think that what I need to do is to take one in the morning and one in the afternoon and see if that gets me through the day with less emotional stress. The downside of this is that I may just sleep all weekend. But truth be told, of all the possible negative effects I might have to deal with for the next few days, that seems like the least dangerous.
It’s Saturday Morning as I’m writing this and I am about to go up and take some Xanax. I wanted to write this really fast so that I could have it for Monday. Like I said, my emotions are all over the map. I’m angry, sad, anxious, and more all at once. It’s a terrible feeling. I am glad that I was able to sort out what is going on though. I was really worried that I had taken many leaps backwards in my mental progress.
I realize I haven’t posted a blog recently about writing or anything super fun. That’s because my blog tends to reflect my life and I’m having struggles due to the divorce, move, and medication changes. And of course I missed a couple of weeks because I was working on getting my YouTube channel re-branded. My plan is to film 2-3 videos every Monday and then edit them the next day. I will only post them once a week so this will allow me to be ahead of schedule. Being ahead of schedule means I can continue to focus on my writing (THE TROUBLE WITH GOODBYE), as well as getting healthier, and getting settled.
I’m working really hard to not let this divorce ruin me. I don’t know if I will ever really trust anyone again. I have a lot of fallout from this. All the same. Every day, I try to regroup and see how I can be more organized and get to the part where I start living my life again. Thank you for being on this journey with me! Your support gives me strength, honestly.
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